Four Things You Need to Know About Capernaum Parents
by Brad Mowry
In all of Young Life we need to mindful of parents. Yes, we are working to reach their kids, but they are the gatekeepers and we need to think about how best to approach parents.
When I led a traditional Young Life club, I met a number or parents of many of the kids who came to my club. There were also many that I did not meet.
When I led a WyldLife club, I became keenly aware that parents played a larger role in their kids’ lives. I couldn’t just see a kid at the school and take him for a milkshake – I needed to plan ahead.
Contact Work almost required a permission slip.
That comparison goes a step further with Capernaum. The parents are much more involved as gatekeepers for their children, and just as middle school kids are more naïve and vulnerable than high schoolers, kids with disabilities are some of the most vulnerable in our culture.
How do I know this? I lead a Capernaum club, but I also have a 16-year-old daughter with cerebral palsy. So, my perspective on this matter is firsthand.
Here are 4 things you need to know about approaching parents of kids with disabilities:
1. Treat them like the experts they are – When I taught 2nd grade before going on YL staff, I thought I knew how great a parent I would be. I looked down on some of the parents of my students. Then I had kids. I realized then how little I knew about parenting. Sometimes people working with kids with disabilities think their experience or education makes them a better expert than the parent. It does not. You spend 1.5-3 hours a week with their kid, and even if you have a Masters in disability study, you will never know their kid better than they.
2. Be Consistent - They’ve been burned – by the system, by schools, by churches. As you approach them know that they might have low expectations for what you plan to do. If you promise to call, or hangout, or pick them up, you better follow through. Some of these parents have been turned away by the church. One mom told me, “We’re not going back to church. If you don’t accept (my son) you don’t accept me.” As a Capernaum leader, you cannot be another broken promise. Why? Because we represent Jesus and Jesus is faithful to His promises.
3. Be Clear – Clarity builds trust. As you share with them your plans for hanging out, going to Club or Camp, or whatever you do, make sure you are clear about what your intentions are and all that will transpire. They need to know – or they won’t trust you. Maybe it sounds overprotective, but their kids are vulnerable in a way that traditional kids are not – it’s the job of a parent of a kid with special needs to be overprotective.
4. Be Sympathetic – They have been through (and sometimes are still going through) a lot. Their dreams for their child were shattered when they got a diagnosis (see Chronic Suffering: A Living Loss by Susan Roos). I chose to say “sympathetic” and not “empathetic” because empathy implies that you feel their pain. It is important to know the difference between working with kids with disabilities and parenting one. You cannot know my experience unless you go through it – no matter how much you immerse yourself in the disability world. But, you can seek to understand with compassion the experience of a parent.
These are just a few steps to building bridges. Without making the right connection to parents, you won’t reach their kids. Sometimes “cutting a hole in the roof” is reaching out to that parent. In Young Life we pride ourselves in doing whatever it takes, so reach out to those parents!
In all of Young Life we need to mindful of parents. Yes, we are working to reach their kids, but they are the gatekeepers and we need to think about how best to approach parents.
When I led a traditional Young Life club, I met a number or parents of many of the kids who came to my club. There were also many that I did not meet.
When I led a WyldLife club, I became keenly aware that parents played a larger role in their kids’ lives. I couldn’t just see a kid at the school and take him for a milkshake – I needed to plan ahead.
That comparison goes a step further with Capernaum. The parents are much more involved as gatekeepers for their children, and just as middle school kids are more naïve and vulnerable than high schoolers, kids with disabilities are some of the most vulnerable in our culture.
How do I know this? I lead a Capernaum club, but I also have a 16-year-old daughter with cerebral palsy. So, my perspective on this matter is firsthand.
Here are 4 things you need to know about approaching parents of kids with disabilities:
1. Treat them like the experts they are – When I taught 2nd grade before going on YL staff, I thought I knew how great a parent I would be. I looked down on some of the parents of my students. Then I had kids. I realized then how little I knew about parenting. Sometimes people working with kids with disabilities think their experience or education makes them a better expert than the parent. It does not. You spend 1.5-3 hours a week with their kid, and even if you have a Masters in disability study, you will never know their kid better than they.
2. Be Consistent - They’ve been burned – by the system, by schools, by churches. As you approach them know that they might have low expectations for what you plan to do. If you promise to call, or hangout, or pick them up, you better follow through. Some of these parents have been turned away by the church. One mom told me, “We’re not going back to church. If you don’t accept (my son) you don’t accept me.” As a Capernaum leader, you cannot be another broken promise. Why? Because we represent Jesus and Jesus is faithful to His promises.
3. Be Clear – Clarity builds trust. As you share with them your plans for hanging out, going to Club or Camp, or whatever you do, make sure you are clear about what your intentions are and all that will transpire. They need to know – or they won’t trust you. Maybe it sounds overprotective, but their kids are vulnerable in a way that traditional kids are not – it’s the job of a parent of a kid with special needs to be overprotective.
4. Be Sympathetic – They have been through (and sometimes are still going through) a lot. Their dreams for their child were shattered when they got a diagnosis (see Chronic Suffering: A Living Loss by Susan Roos). I chose to say “sympathetic” and not “empathetic” because empathy implies that you feel their pain. It is important to know the difference between working with kids with disabilities and parenting one. You cannot know my experience unless you go through it – no matter how much you immerse yourself in the disability world. But, you can seek to understand with compassion the experience of a parent.
These are just a few steps to building bridges. Without making the right connection to parents, you won’t reach their kids. Sometimes “cutting a hole in the roof” is reaching out to that parent. In Young Life we pride ourselves in doing whatever it takes, so reach out to those parents!
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