Friendship

A guest post by Jeff McNair

We are so excited to welcome Dr McNair to our YL Capernaum Pre-conference at YL75

You can also follow Jeff at his blog Disabled Christianity

I recently had a conversation with some of my university students about friendship. I asked one of them, "What is the name of your best friend?"

She responded, "Sandy."  

"What do you and Sandy like to do together?"

"I don’t know. We like to watch movies, or get coffee. We generally just hang out."

“Cool!” I replied.

I then asked them all, "Why do you think someone would choose to develop a friendship with a person having a severe intellectual disability?" 

Responses related as to how much one could learn from such people, how much they have to give, how their lives impact those around them and so forth.

I then wondered aloud. "Why must a friendship with a person with a severe disability have a utilitarian component when your friendship with your other friends is just based upon being together drinking coffee or watching movies?"

I admit I didn't plan on the discussion, it kind of just happened.  As I thought out loud, I recognized that the criteria for friendship, for some reason, seems to be different for friends if they have a disability.  It was like the same criteria would not work for a person with a severe disability as works for someone without that characteristic.  It seems I believe a lie that in order for me to have a friendship with a person with a severe disability, I must identify something that he or she has to give to me (utilitarianism) as a reason for the friendship.  Perhaps I have come to think that people with particular characteristics have nothing to offer me, so I have to find something that they may have to offer in order to justify friendship.

I then thought of my own friends. Doug is a neighbor who will just stop by my house unannounced.  For some reason, I never expect him to show up.  He drives up on his 4 wheeler (I live in the country), comes in, and we have a cup of coffee or dinner.  We talk about what he is doing or what I am doing or maybe just sit and watch whatever Kathi and I happen to have on TV.  I love it when Doug stops by unannounced.  I am not his friend because of how much I can learn from him, or how much he has to give, or how his life impacts those around him.  We just enjoy hanging out together.

One of my best friends was a man with severe intellectual disabilities.  I started visiting his group home because I wanted to do something nice for the men who lived there.  I would go by with a bottle of soda and something to munch on and hang out for an hour.  Increasingly I found that Thom and I connected.  He liked me and I liked him.  He would tell me about his day program, how he wanted to marry his teacher, about his brother in whom he was so proud and about the Angels, Dodgers or Lakers.  I would tell him about things I knew he would be interested in, like my horses or that I had had a barbeque, or how he was my friend.  He would often say to me, "I am nice to you, Jeff." and he was!  He passed away about a year ago, and I’ve found that I don't have the same desire to visit the group home as I did before.  Why?  Because my friend no longer lives there!  I like the other men and women who live there, but Thom was my friend.  He was my friend in the same way that Doug is my friend.  Not because of what he could do for me, but because we enjoyed hanging out together.

Another friend of mine is Mark, also a man with disabilities. We get lunch together and talk about whatever. He has Fridays off, so I plan to run errands on Fridays. We ride around together, ultimately landing somewhere for lunch. What do I expect when we are together? I expect we will laugh, we will talk about some of the same things we always talk about, and we will enjoy a burger together. He is just my friend, not my spiritual mentor or someone leading me to a greater level of consciousness. But being my friend is what he needs, and it’s what I need, so the friendship works for us both.

No real friendship is truly utilitarian.  If you are looking for utilitarian relationships, you are probably not looking for friendships.  As you consider befriending those with the characteristic of severe impairment, do not attempt to make the relationship anything different than the relationship you have with other friends.